This post will more than likely be dark, disturbing, and contain profanity. I will not be upset if any of my readers stop reading here...
I've been stripped of my ability to drive, go for a walk, pour a glass of milk or water, shower daily, shave daily, fix my own meals, and clean my area of living. This week I've been stripped of the desire to do anything. No postings, just a few lines here and there in scattered journals, my personal journal left empty for too long. And now I'm finding myself angry. I have no where to aim my venom, and have been lashing out in every direction. I simply want to yell 'FUCK' into the wind and let it find the ears of everyone.
Three days have passed since I made an inquiry of the VFW. They still haven't called me back. In a perfect world those agencies that render the hopeless veteran homeless should be homeless as well. I'm willing to bet that they'd all work a bit faster, act in a more diligent way, if they found their shelter missing every time they played these games. For as much drag time that they have, you'd think they were disabled too. Could you imagine if they had to work while suffering with pain that blinds; renders the victim feeble minded. We showed Illinois the governments bare ass, caught them with their pants down, and there still is little progress made.
Perhaps, if the nation (or the state) had to sacrifice like our service members, they'd have a different perspective. Perhaps if they all had to spend just a few days crippled and in pain, they'd never let a transgression of this magnitude to go on.
I still haven't heard from my mayor. He didn't have anyone running against him... again... Where does a non-caring windbag have a secure job where he doesn't have to do anything? Crystal Lake, Illinois. I've often spent time thinking about causing him as much pain as I suffer with and watch him. I think I'd actually laugh. I honestly don't think the bastard has had one day of adversity in his whole life.
I've been lectured about respect, and I live in a place where I don't feel that I'm offered any. My door is constantly opened and shut while I rest, my work is interrupted when I'm actually able to accomplish anything, my belongings and my safe haven are often trashed. Where is the respect? Today I rose to requirements stemmed from individuals simply not wanting to follow simple directions, and now I can't rest because there's voices in my room (yes, they belong to people) that are annoying. I have to ask for permission to see my daughter, but no one asks me my permission to have their friends over. They simply don't care what condition I'm in, what I suffer with. The rules only apply to myself, my wife, and my child. They're one-sided and ignored when they don't fit the life style of those who are housing us.
Now most people will be up and arms at this statement. I can hear the comments already. "It's their house, and they can do that," "They don't have to follow rules if they're in place for only you," etc.
Perhaps the voices of opposition are right.
So with no regard to me, life moves on in whatever way it wants here. It seems like those who have given us shelter don't feel like they need to bother, like I don't need to be. That's it...
I feel like I don't need to exist; as if there is no regard to me and my situation. I feel like the government has swept me into a corner, and my providers of shelter have completely disregarded what I go through. I feel like a small fleck of dirt; tired, and drawn thin, from the constant sweeping into corners. I find my breath hard coming, and the pressures of trying to demonstrate my existence slowly compressing me into nothingness.
I'm tired, of just about everything......
FUCK
Showing posts with label Inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inspiration. Show all posts
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Page Changes, Tiredness
For those of you who haven't noticed, I've added a couple new pages to my blog. You can reach them at the top of the page. The first one is a treatment log, and the second one is images, articles, and videos that directly relate to being a veteran with RSD. I have also changed one of my links to Rebecca's Whims. I felt inclined to add this link because she makes herbal pillows that really do help with relaxation and muscle fatigue, things I know others with RSD and chronic pain are very familiar with. That's about it for page updates. Oh, and I've been hearing many people comment that there's no place to comment on my page. Please make sure you're in the blog entry by clicking its title and I assure you there will be a place to comment.
The weekend was a busy one, and I've been paying for it dearly over the last couple days. I've been in a bit of a daze and fading in and out of reality. I'm sure this would be a fun thing if I was on vacation and wanted to catch up on sleep, but it's simply what life is now when I attempt to exert myself. Today has been a bit of a recovery day as well, but I think the worst is over and I'm ready to sit down and write some new poems and short stories, as well as work on other projects I have going. Please follow the link to the right to Shear's Shorts to read some of my work and listen to my music if you have the time and inclination to do so.
Sorry this is such a brief entry, but I assure you there will be plenty to write about over the next few weeks with my Social Security trial coming up on the 3rd of March, and my medical exams having been completed for the Veteran's Benefits claim.
Thanks for stopping by,
K.M. Shear
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Dust Settles
So the dust has settled and I'm able to write again. My family is safe and sound; gifted with parents who love us and took us in. The Chicago Tribune article caused quite the ruckus, and I already have appointments for re-evaluation in a couple weeks. Funny how it took months before, but now only takes a day or two...
I plan on putting up all the ratings material from my case after the appointments and ratings letters arrive. This can then be used for others in the military with RSD. They can hand that in and use it as a template for how they'd like to be rated. God willing, it will make their road an easier one to traverse than ours. To all of you who have helped me with my cause, my sincerest thanks.
The room I'm living in is providing me the capabilities to write, and record, my music because I can recline while recording and don't have to sit upright. Sadly, my RSD seems to be spreading into my right arm and hand...
My night terrors are getting worse, and I'm finding it harder to wake from them. It's like being trapped in hell most nights. Those dreams where you fall, and awake before you land... I don't wake up and suffer the landing. I have some medical appointments with a PTSD doctor to discuss these symptoms. I pray they have an answer...
I plan on putting up all the ratings material from my case after the appointments and ratings letters arrive. This can then be used for others in the military with RSD. They can hand that in and use it as a template for how they'd like to be rated. God willing, it will make their road an easier one to traverse than ours. To all of you who have helped me with my cause, my sincerest thanks.
The room I'm living in is providing me the capabilities to write, and record, my music because I can recline while recording and don't have to sit upright. Sadly, my RSD seems to be spreading into my right arm and hand...
My night terrors are getting worse, and I'm finding it harder to wake from them. It's like being trapped in hell most nights. Those dreams where you fall, and awake before you land... I don't wake up and suffer the landing. I have some medical appointments with a PTSD doctor to discuss these symptoms. I pray they have an answer...
Wind blows.
Fire burns.
Water runs.
And the earth,
She's rising up,
To meet my feet.
Thank you for reading,
Kevin
Friday, December 24, 2010
Medical Appointments, Breakfast Reservations, and God's Angels
Just six hours till Christmas. I honestly didn't think we'd have one this year, but several groups donated so much that we've been able to have a nice meal and Santa will show up for Lincoln. This year God's angels were hard at work in our lives, and I hope that next year I will be able to be one of those angels.
This morning we spent time with some of my old friends from school. We had a nice, simple breakfast at Around The Clock restaurant, and I'm paying the price for my good time. It was worth every minute of pain though. It seems so odd to see people I used to share classes with sitting with their own children, and it makes my heart skip a beat when I realize how amazing those people will be as parents. We may have been one of the last generations that lived without the bombardment of the digital world, and I know that we'll succeed in creating a pocket of individuals who appreciate hard work and earning.
Yesterday I made an appointment to see a PTSD doctor about my night terrors. As I had commented on one of my previous threads, last night's was the worst. I kept 'waking up', but not really waking up. It happened seven times before I finally found myself in the real world, and I've spent most of the day half expecting to wake up after having something terrible happen to my right leg. Maybe tonight I'll not have them, more likely I will.
My son and wife are both ill. Nothing serious, just head colds, but enough to keep us from being able to spend time with my mother and step-father because of his recent surgery. It's best that we not get him ill because we love him and want him to stick around for quite a while longer. So, it's just been us for the day, and it's been wonderful. Lincoln is playing a game on the PS3, and trying to goad Amy into playing too. They fight so much when they play together, and all I can do is chuckle. Someday they'll learn to work together... Someday...
God blessed me this year with some of the most amazing people. Jhon Baker, an amazing poet and philosopher has given me so much. Noah Kaplowitz who has helped me further my causes and spent much time on corroborative works. I think the three of us have leaned on each other so equally that it's kept us on our feet. Scott Little, who's been giving me art lessons and spending time with me despite the fact he really hasn't had much of it. Lars Jensen who's always been there for me, despite the ocean between us (you're going to get some English readers here, so you better start posting in English for us).
My wife, Amy, who's put up with, and taken on, so much that I don't think I'd have survived RSD without her. My mother; who brought me into this world and taught me to love and laugh, rage and cry. Without her my son wouldn't be who he is today, and I wouldn't have been strong enough to make it through all my pain. My father, Mike Shear, who spent so many hours driving from Iowa to here just to spend a few days at a time helping me when I had no one else. I learned how to speak and succeed from my father, and how to laugh when things aren't at their best. My stepfather Jeff, from whom I've learned to 'tell it like it is' and accept the fact that there's a lot of dumb asses out there. My grandfather who I miss dearly. He taught me how to be at peace in the world when we would go fishing or hunting together. Firing a weapon still centers and empowers me to this day. My grandmother, who taught me dedication to family and kept us from going under throughout the year. My nephew Alex, who's gamed with me even when I've been blinded by pain and been useless. I'll be on line again soon my friend. And Corey Leese and the Divine Knights, Corey's stuck by me through thick and thin, and helped me find a group of fantastic new teammates to game with.
Illinois Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome Association who's meetings have helped me feel like I'm still part of the world, and not alone in my struggles. Congressman Manzullo's office, and Vera Moore of the VFW have been extremely helpful in my claims. We may not have succeeded, but they still deserve recognition for all of their hard work and diligence. McHenry County Marine Corps League, my brothers and sisters who have offered so much support, and given my son a Christmas, both on their own and through others who donated.
I know it's asking a lot to have you all check out all these links, but these people deserve it. They've given so much of themselves for me and my family, so please take the time to check them all out. And to those of you who I haven't personally mentioned, leave a comment so I can include you in this 'thank you' post.
Despite all the pain, and our eviction in seven days, I feel nothing but peace; happiness. Blessed.
With all the gratitude I can muster, Happy Holidays,
Kev
This morning we spent time with some of my old friends from school. We had a nice, simple breakfast at Around The Clock restaurant, and I'm paying the price for my good time. It was worth every minute of pain though. It seems so odd to see people I used to share classes with sitting with their own children, and it makes my heart skip a beat when I realize how amazing those people will be as parents. We may have been one of the last generations that lived without the bombardment of the digital world, and I know that we'll succeed in creating a pocket of individuals who appreciate hard work and earning.
Yesterday I made an appointment to see a PTSD doctor about my night terrors. As I had commented on one of my previous threads, last night's was the worst. I kept 'waking up', but not really waking up. It happened seven times before I finally found myself in the real world, and I've spent most of the day half expecting to wake up after having something terrible happen to my right leg. Maybe tonight I'll not have them, more likely I will.
My son and wife are both ill. Nothing serious, just head colds, but enough to keep us from being able to spend time with my mother and step-father because of his recent surgery. It's best that we not get him ill because we love him and want him to stick around for quite a while longer. So, it's just been us for the day, and it's been wonderful. Lincoln is playing a game on the PS3, and trying to goad Amy into playing too. They fight so much when they play together, and all I can do is chuckle. Someday they'll learn to work together... Someday...
God blessed me this year with some of the most amazing people. Jhon Baker, an amazing poet and philosopher has given me so much. Noah Kaplowitz who has helped me further my causes and spent much time on corroborative works. I think the three of us have leaned on each other so equally that it's kept us on our feet. Scott Little, who's been giving me art lessons and spending time with me despite the fact he really hasn't had much of it. Lars Jensen who's always been there for me, despite the ocean between us (you're going to get some English readers here, so you better start posting in English for us).
My wife, Amy, who's put up with, and taken on, so much that I don't think I'd have survived RSD without her. My mother; who brought me into this world and taught me to love and laugh, rage and cry. Without her my son wouldn't be who he is today, and I wouldn't have been strong enough to make it through all my pain. My father, Mike Shear, who spent so many hours driving from Iowa to here just to spend a few days at a time helping me when I had no one else. I learned how to speak and succeed from my father, and how to laugh when things aren't at their best. My stepfather Jeff, from whom I've learned to 'tell it like it is' and accept the fact that there's a lot of dumb asses out there. My grandfather who I miss dearly. He taught me how to be at peace in the world when we would go fishing or hunting together. Firing a weapon still centers and empowers me to this day. My grandmother, who taught me dedication to family and kept us from going under throughout the year. My nephew Alex, who's gamed with me even when I've been blinded by pain and been useless. I'll be on line again soon my friend. And Corey Leese and the Divine Knights, Corey's stuck by me through thick and thin, and helped me find a group of fantastic new teammates to game with.
Illinois Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome Association who's meetings have helped me feel like I'm still part of the world, and not alone in my struggles. Congressman Manzullo's office, and Vera Moore of the VFW have been extremely helpful in my claims. We may not have succeeded, but they still deserve recognition for all of their hard work and diligence. McHenry County Marine Corps League, my brothers and sisters who have offered so much support, and given my son a Christmas, both on their own and through others who donated.
I know it's asking a lot to have you all check out all these links, but these people deserve it. They've given so much of themselves for me and my family, so please take the time to check them all out. And to those of you who I haven't personally mentioned, leave a comment so I can include you in this 'thank you' post.
Despite all the pain, and our eviction in seven days, I feel nothing but peace; happiness. Blessed.
With all the gratitude I can muster, Happy Holidays,
Kev
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Giving Thanks
Today is one of the few days I can give thanks for my loss of appetite. I know I won't overeat today. I'm thankful for all of the friends and family that have provided my family and I with so much support. Without you I don't think we'd have been able to maintain our relationship, or our sanity.
I'm thankful that I'm alive. Without my life I'd not be able to share my thoughts. I may not be able to run around with my son, but I can teach him how to be a decent human being; about things intellectual and philosophical. And I love every minute that we spend playing video games together.
I'm giving thanks for all the events that lead me to be here today, and for all of you who take time out of your lives to read my words. I hope my readers get a portion of the satisfaction that I get in writing this blog and my creative works. I may not have many followers listed on my page, but I'm being read. I see it in my stats every day. Even though my readers aren't 'following' me, I appreciate them taking the time to read.
Again, thank you all for reading.
Kev
I'm thankful that I'm alive. Without my life I'd not be able to share my thoughts. I may not be able to run around with my son, but I can teach him how to be a decent human being; about things intellectual and philosophical. And I love every minute that we spend playing video games together.
I'm giving thanks for all the events that lead me to be here today, and for all of you who take time out of your lives to read my words. I hope my readers get a portion of the satisfaction that I get in writing this blog and my creative works. I may not have many followers listed on my page, but I'm being read. I see it in my stats every day. Even though my readers aren't 'following' me, I appreciate them taking the time to read.
Again, thank you all for reading.
Kev
Monday, November 22, 2010
The List Grows
The list of those willing to help me out in my daily activities is growing. To those of you who have helped, my thanks. If I have not mentioned you by name let me know. I can post links for you in a minor form of repayment.
I wanted to personally thank my nephew Alex for posting my YouTube video of "In Everything" on his Facebook page. Alex has always been there for me and continues to help support my endeavors. We often game together, but not often enough. I've been asking for help spreading the word about my music in the hopes that it may get picked up by recording artists and Alex is providing some much needed coverage.
I found out, this past Thursday, that the Marine Corps League's chaplain has people praying for me from the tip of Maine to the southern reaches of California. I was floored. Here was a group of people whom I didn't even know willing to dedicate a daily bit of their time to praying for me.
So to those of you who are helping, my thanks. And to those of you wanting to help - link it, read it, play it, paste it, spread it round the world. Email Me for more information or pages you can link. Help get my story and sound out to others in the hopes that it will make a difference, or bring some measure of solace to those suffering souls out there who need it.
Thanks for reading,
Kev
I wanted to personally thank my nephew Alex for posting my YouTube video of "In Everything" on his Facebook page. Alex has always been there for me and continues to help support my endeavors. We often game together, but not often enough. I've been asking for help spreading the word about my music in the hopes that it may get picked up by recording artists and Alex is providing some much needed coverage.
I found out, this past Thursday, that the Marine Corps League's chaplain has people praying for me from the tip of Maine to the southern reaches of California. I was floored. Here was a group of people whom I didn't even know willing to dedicate a daily bit of their time to praying for me.
So to those of you who are helping, my thanks. And to those of you wanting to help - link it, read it, play it, paste it, spread it round the world. Email Me for more information or pages you can link. Help get my story and sound out to others in the hopes that it will make a difference, or bring some measure of solace to those suffering souls out there who need it.
Thanks for reading,
Kev
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Another Trip to the Hospital
Sorry for the delay in today's post. Started out a little rough and rapidly went down hill.
I had to make another trip to the hospital. Had a bout of vomit as the pain increased, and then eventually started to black out.
They shot me up with Valium and dalauted (spelling?). Didn't help the nausea much, but brought my pain down to a livable level.
The worst part of having to go to the ER is trying to get the bills sorted out. You'd think that the VA would simply pay the bill, but it's a process in and of itself that tends to take several months. Eh, several months of phone calls and work to not be in tears works for me.
I've been 'inspired' to start working on writing again, and sometime over the next couple days I'm going to start a second blog page with my work. I've also been very motivated to work on my music, though my leg isn't as motivated. I'm hoping to get some good work done this weekend.
I've been told that November is the 'Novel' month. Even if it isn't, I think I'll still use that as a motivational tool to push through getting my words on page.
I'll keep you all posted on how things progress and post links to my music and the new Blog as I progress!
Hope everyone has a great evening, and I'll post to you tomorrow.
I had to make another trip to the hospital. Had a bout of vomit as the pain increased, and then eventually started to black out.
They shot me up with Valium and dalauted (spelling?). Didn't help the nausea much, but brought my pain down to a livable level.
The worst part of having to go to the ER is trying to get the bills sorted out. You'd think that the VA would simply pay the bill, but it's a process in and of itself that tends to take several months. Eh, several months of phone calls and work to not be in tears works for me.
I've been 'inspired' to start working on writing again, and sometime over the next couple days I'm going to start a second blog page with my work. I've also been very motivated to work on my music, though my leg isn't as motivated. I'm hoping to get some good work done this weekend.
I've been told that November is the 'Novel' month. Even if it isn't, I think I'll still use that as a motivational tool to push through getting my words on page.
I'll keep you all posted on how things progress and post links to my music and the new Blog as I progress!
Hope everyone has a great evening, and I'll post to you tomorrow.
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